Monday, September 26, 2016

Mama Monday: Week 1

So it’s officially been one week since I started my “lose all the baby weight” journey. I had a couple hang ups, but I think overall it turned out ok. No weight loss to report since I probably wont be weighing myself. I tend to get really frustrated when I don’t see results. And its not about the numbers anymore.

I’ve been doing 2 a days again. Basically I workout at the gym during work hours (cardio and weights) and then do my 21 day extreme videos at night. This makes it hard to follow 21 Day Fix exactly because I get really hangry. Those containers aren’t cutting it.

I am doing Beachbody’s 21 Day Fix Extreme for two reasons. 1) is the shakeology is a quick meal for me to make in the morning and 2) the videos are short and challenging.




She looks challenging right?!

Food wise, I am basically staying (trying really hard!) away from gluten and dairy altogether because of my PCOS and am sticking with lean protein and lots of veggies /salads. Weekends are hardest for me and the place where I usually fail. This weekend I failed, but new week. And I worked out almost everyday this week. Better than the previous week and this week even better. Little steps.

When I was working out on Monday night, I felt pretty discouraged. I only walked during my pregnancy and to say I am out of shape is an understatement. The first video was a plyometric one. You basically combine squats, weights and jumping. I just felt heavy, out of shape and overwhelmed. I felt like there was no end in sight. How was I ever going to lose 50 lbs again?

In the past losing weight for me was driven by the fact that I wanted to be skinny. I wanted to wear clothes like crop tops and skinny jeans. I wanted to wear the bikini I have never in my life worn (except that one time I wore in 6th grade. I covered it up with an oversized t-shirt because I was too embarrassed of my body). Probably doesn’t count. I wanted to have the confidence that comes with being skinny (at least that’s what I’ve told myself). To be the girl who can make lots of friends, is outgoing and can light up a room.

Somehow and at some point in my teenage years, I started associating being skinny with being confident. I let myself be “quiet” because I was terrified of rejection and judgement from others for over being overweight. When I look back, I don’t see an overweight person. I wasn’t as petite as my fellow cheerleaders, but I definitely wasn’t fat. Now that perception has snowballed even more because of extra weight I have gained due to my PCOS, fertility treatments and two pregnancies. It’s extremely hard to break away from the mentality that “skinny” brings happiness, confidence and self-love.

I’ve had to ask myself why I want to do, lose all this weight, and although being skinny would have been my number one reason in the past, I am ditching that.

I want to lose weight because

  • exercise and eating well is one thing I get to do for myself. I don’t get much of that these days.
  • exercise makes me feel good – it’s hard sometimes to get to the gym, but once you’re done with your workout you just feel all the endorphins.
  • the gym and working out relieves stress. I definitely don’t have it all together and life in my house is chaotic. I need all the stress relief I can get.
  • losing weight makes it easier to be more active. I have a very active boy and soon the other will be just as active.
  • I want to love myself for who I am right now. Not for who I think I will be after I lose weight. I am trying and that counts for something.
  • I want to believe that people love me right now. Not that they will love me when I lose weight.
  • I want to believe that not everyone was meant to wear crop tops and that they can wear something else and be equally sexy and beautiful.
  • I want to believe everything my husband tells me: about my beauty, my kindness and who I am as a person and how none of that has to do with skinny or how I look, but who I am as a person.
  • I want to find my happiness outside skinny. Someday….I’ll find it.
  • Someday I want to look in the mirror and see the reflection of someone I wholeheartedly love. Both beauty and flaws.
  • Someday I want to believe that I do not have to rely on anyone’s actions or inaction’s to prove how I feel about myself.

Onward to another week of more wins than losses.