Thursday, September 17, 2015

Current feels

I started writing about our infertility journey here years ago, but never kept it up. It’s a good outlet when you feel as if this is the only outlet you have.

We are currently seeing a fertility specialist (about a year or so) in hopes of conceiving our second child and completing our family. I wrote this on a day where I felt a complete hopelessness in our efforts and journey.

Infertility is anger, it is sadness, it is denial, it is longing, it is pain. It shatters your heart into a billion pieces. It steals the dreams you’ve dreamt. Infertility makes you constantly question your faith and sanity. It tests the strength of your relationship. Infertility has no boundaries and doesn’t discriminate. No one family should have to endure it, but yet we do.
We struggled to conceive shortly after we were married and after 6 rounds of fertility meds, we were finally pregnant. The joy and happiness was short lived as we miscarried 6 weeks later. I don’t understand the way God works. Why infertility and loss are part of some peoples lives. I can’t explain why one couple gets pregnant and another doesn’t…why some get to keep theirs while others don’t. It’s heartbreaking and can truly only be understood by those who have walked the path.
6 more rounds of meds and we were pregnant with our sweet Sebastian. He is my miracle. He is what saved me from the grief that infertility and loss had caused. When I think of my son, tears well in my eyes. I love him so much I can hardly breathe. He mended my brokenness and repaired the hole that infertility and miscarriage left on my heart. He drug me out of the deep depths of darkness that had swallowed me. He saved my marriage mostly because I didnt know who I was becoming. Every child deserves to have a mom who’s fought and done everything in their power to have them. Sebastian deserved that from me. And I’d do it a hundred times over and a million times worse just to get to him. The greatest blessing and joy of my life and I’m the luckiest to have him call me Mama.

I thought it’d be easier this time around, but here I am back in the same ugly cycle that is infertility. Longing for another child that may never be. Questioning why others can and I can not. Thinking of what the past 6 months has been; *Clomid*Clomid*Surgery*Clomid*iui*Clomid*Clomid*trigger*iui*clomid*clomid*trigger*Clomid*trigger*iui and yet still no baby. Infertility is not easier even with a child you call your own. It is still hard.

I’ve been searching hard to find the courage to accept what I can not change while still trying to remain strong for whatever lies ahead.

It’s hard to not have anyone who can relate to what you are going through. You feel alone in your feelings with no one to validate them. One of my favorite quotes is “In the quiet heart hidden is a sorrow the eye can not see”. So be kind. Sometimes the littlest of gestures can make a persons day brighter. Everyone is fighting some sort of battle. And if you are suffering from infertility and or loss, know that you are not alone and it’s ok to feel all the feelings because they are valid. Never give up hope and keep fighting.

I won’t give up hope.