Thursday, April 1, 2010

No One Ever Told Me…..

On May 30th 2009, my baby went to Heaven. It never even crossed my mind that such a horrible thing could happen, but it did. It happened to me. A day that will forever be instilled in memory, a day I will never forget….. The day my heart was broken. I remember the days that led up to the dreadful day vaguely. I do however remember being the happiest I had ever been..EVER. I was married to the love of my life and we were starting our family together…finally *squeal*. It was my 6th round of Clomid and at last it had worked. I don’t even think I ever felt any symptoms of pregnancy only because I had become overly obsessed with peeing on a stick. God knows how much money went down the drain buying ovulation kits and pregnancy tests. If you have ever seen the movie “Knocked Up” ..that was me peeing on 100 sticks. But not because I was pregnant and didn’t want to be…but because I wanted to be pregnant so bad. All was worth it. A baby was worth it. Test after test..FAIL, but finally it had worked. I was pregnant. I was a MOMMY. My dream was short lived though. God had other plans. Skip past the sad part…..the bleeding, the hospital, the injection, the pain, the hurt, the guilt, the depression. Books and Journals, My husband – My wonderful husband, my sister, my Mom and Aunt who ALWAYS listened, and my Pops, they all kept me sane, and gave me the hope I needed to move on. Today I wear a necklace with My Baby’s February Birthstone. I still cry on May 30th, and when I read old journals, and when I listen to the music I would play after my baby went to Heaven. I am saddened by the “what might have been”, but  I truly believe my baby had a purpose. I believe my baby was given to me for a short time to make me a stronger person, to strengthen my marriage and to make me a better person. I believe my baby’s purpose was successful and for that, I am forever indebted to my baby. Mommy loves you Angel Baby…… and will NEVER Ever forget and will always honor your memory.