Tuesday, April 5, 2016

Third Trimester Feels

Third trimester insomnia has me up at 3 am every morning tossing and turning and thinking. Just this morning as I had a full head of sweet smelling hair up in my face (Bash always wants to sleep with Mama when Daddy is gone) and feeling my little Benjamin kick, kick, kick, I couldn’t help the flood of both tears and immense gratefulness overcome me. This June will mark nine years of marriage for my husband and I and God willing, will begin the start of our family – party of four. In those nine years I can’t remember a time not ever wanting, trying, hoping, having and working towards building our family. The life we have today was because we both agreed that kids was what we wanted most. I always dreamt of having a little flock of kiddos. Naïve to believe it came so easily. We traveled, but not like we should’ve. We sacrificed ideal places to live for good enough. We did all these things and more with the one intention. After the first year or so we knew our journey wouldn’t be traditional and to have a family would mean something different for us. We wanted to be able to afford for these things if we needed to. And if I were being completely truthful, some years were just plain hard. Those years surrounding the birth of Bash, pretty amazing, but the majority being really hard. It was all for this and for them.

Once I had Sebastian, people would always tell me that at least I had him and that if I never had another it was enough. I believed that too and started repeating it myself. I never lost that longing for more children though. And I’d still have more if I could; a whole flock of them.

You think the second time around will be easier. You’ll walk the weathered path that has already been walked, but if anything, I’d say it was harder in many aspects for me. You are more experienced and less naïve. You know all the ugly things that can go terribly wrong. Nothing is ever guaranteed and no one can give you that. Not a positive pregnancy test, not a healthy nine month pregnancy, not a bouncing baby, not a previous successful pregnancy, not my life, or anyone’s life. Things can shift in a matter of mere seconds.

You know what infertility feels like and even if you think you are prepared for it, you most certainly aren’t. It’s still hard. You sympathize with those in your shoes and when others haven’t crossed the finish line you have an immense sense of guilt. You wanted this so much but at the same time want it for those still knee deep in the trenches of infertility.

I remember telling my husband, he often reminds me when I do, that I would never complain about the woes of pregnancy because of the struggle and my gratefulness to get to this point, but this pregnancy has been rough in many ways. I often find myself guilty of complaining and then feeling even more guilty for complaining about this gift that has been given to me, not once, not twice, but three times.

What I have come to realize is that pregnancy is nothing short of incredible. It isn’t an accident, an oops I got pregnant. It is a miracle. And despite suffering through depression and body image issues I remind myself that our bodies are simply amazing. Just YouTube one of those conception videos. Everything that has to happen in order for it to happen quite frankly seems impossible.

I read this somewhere: “but when you think about it, I think what’s really amazing are our Mama hearts. We fight like hell to get these babies here, whether in our own bodies or not- we stretch our bodies, minds, finances, and hearts as far as possible to be mothers and THAT is something so very special. I think all babies deserve a mom whose heart wouldn’t quit fighting for them no matter what it took.” I couldn’t agree more. Mama hearts are amazing.

Mamas who toss and turn with insomnia and discomfort, suffer through guilt and depression during pregnancy and the mamas who suffer losses, mamas who toss and turn in desperation constantly overcome with thinking how they will ever have a baby in their arms – we mamas are all fighting some battle and somehow find a way to make it happen. To build courage even when we feel like we don’t have it in us. And that is what matters most.