Friday, April 28, 2017

Established: 1982

Turning 30 was one of those ages where, at least for me, felt like I needed a change. I felt old. Like I had aged so much going from 29 to 30 that I needed something. A career change, to stop dressing so teeny booperish and even to be more sophisticated. Like actually know which wine pairs with what and not just drink it out of a box! But even at 30 and on a much deeper level, I was still that person who would go to deep lengths to gain someone’s acceptance and love. Partly because of my own lack of self-esteem. I always based my self worth and love on how others treated me.

On the brink of turning 35, and with some help, my perspective is slowly but surely evolving. I no longer want to be that person who walks into a room wondering who there is going to like me. Instead, strive to be the person looking around wondering who, I even like. I no longer want to pursue fruitless relationships where I constantly try and feel like I come out empty handed. More importantly, I want to be able to not blame myself entirely for these situations and not become bitter because of them. I do not want to change who I am, my heart, and my ability to let people in and share the love I have because of the people I’ve dealt with thus far.

Part of this thinking resulted from a situation I was in the other day where I went to hug someone goodbye and that person literally stood there like I was the worst person on earth. No reciprocation what so ever. In the past I’d probably over analyze and think of every possible flaw, thing I had said or done, some justification as to why this may have happened. What on earth is so bad about me where someone could act this way towards me?! But that was my flawed way of thinking “what is so wrong with me?” Never did I once consider the other person or ask myself, “what is wrong with them?!”

Don’t get me wrong, these types of situations still sting but not nearly as much as it used to. No one likes being rejected. A tough lesson in life has been accepting that I am not for everyone. Not every person will appreciate me, my friendship or even my company for that matter.

Stepping into 35, I am less concerned with how many friends I have, who likes me, why people are the way they are and am more concerned with loving those people who do appreciate and want me in their lives. I no longer feel as if I have to analyze every situation and feel bad for not being someone’s cup of tea. I have battled for far too long being the person longing for acceptance in places it’ll just never come. I love myself more than trying to be something I simply am not. That’s the thing about self love, you shouldn’t doubt a thing about it. You shouldn’t doubt yourself or who you are.

I am no longer worried about who thinks I’m perfect, just more interested in the fact that someone can actually love me unconditionally, knowing all my flaws and if that includes a very small circle, I am OK with that. 35 is gonna be a good one. I can feel it.